lol i really like how i can dwell on something really small for this long. i’m such a fucking baby
nothing feels like it’s real but i’m feeling verry y needy
i thought risperdal was supposed to make hallucinations stop. being told to do things is getting really annoying bc lets be real, i’m not walking out in front of a car anytime soon. and stupid voices interrupting my podcasts is getting pretty fuckin old
i keep having this urge to just cut my face and chest you have no idea. i have no idea where it comes from but it just pops up from time to time
lol my leg is covered in bruises why did i think it was a good idea to punch my thigh earlier
aw shit man
it’s been a whole year since i tried to overdose. we did it kids, we made it
I’m an absolutely terrible pet owner. I don’t deserve to have my birds or dogs urgh I really want to hurt myself rn
I saw a woman at work the other day. She reminded me a lot of my mom. Short, blonde, overweight with a walker. She really looked a lot like her, but maybe a few years older. She was getting dog food and treats when I was doing reshop, and she started coughing really hard. She said she had COPD, which is what my mom also had, and what made her get as bad as she did. For some reason it really got to me and I started tearing up in the aisle (hell i’m doing it now). I really wanted to tell her to take care of herself and be well. But it wasn’t really in my place, and I didn’t want to offend her. She might be a mother (or even a grandmother), and have a kid around my age. I just don’t want her to be as careless as my mom was in the end. I don’t want her to not listen to her doctors or the pleas of her children and partner to stop smoking, to keep paying her life insurance. I don’t want her children to feel as torn up as I do now because their mother could’ve taken better care of herself
I can’t believe it’s almost September 20. Back in June, I decided that would be the day I was going to kill myself. While I still think about it, I feel like I can’t now. I have a job, and a great boyfriend. I’m sure he’d be at least a little upset if I just disappeared. But sometimes I feel like a lot of people would be better off without me.
My dad would save so much money (but he wouldnt be able to deal with losing me six months after my mom)
Mac would save a bunch of fucking money and time (but I guess he’d miss me), and I’m pretty sure my friends would be happy to not have to deal with someone who’s a leech idk
I really love how I keep unloading my stupid shit on here. So I guess here’s something new.
Too much shit has happened to me this year and I feel like I won’t be able to go on. Not only is it becoming almost physically impossible to get out of bed in the morning because of whatever pain I’ve been feeling, my will to live is slowly fading away.
I tried to tell my dad I want to end it, but he doesn’t believe me. I need to overdose or something to get his attention